Good Morning Part 3 of 3

I have never been able to pick my clothes out the day before.  I mean, scheduled occasions, sure. When I am called into service as Best Man.   I can tell you I am the best Best Man.

How to be the Best Best Man? Like all of life, it comes in threes. First, and this is hard, forget the groom. What matters is your legacy. The groom is a prop. A mop you dance with. The lead in any wedding is not the bride, it is the Best Man.   Barring an unfortunate turn of events –

Ok, so this really happened.  I had an assistant – she was very capable.  She invited me to her wedding, not as Best Man, but as her boss.  I hadn’t been to the venue.  So I get there and the place is gigantic.  Think Dubai but in the back woods.  At any rate, there is neon everywhere, and we do the cocktail hour and are led into an even bigger room where she and her husband are elevated, through a trap door in the floor that opened up to a rising platform, into the middle of the room.  Swear to god.  She was already three sheets.  Dinner, then toasts, where she toasted me calling me a great boss but “one demanding son of a bitch.”  She raised her glass to me, well, she and 500 guests raised their glass to the demanding son of a bitch, then I think she realized that she had called her boss a demanding son of a bitch, and passed out.  Went down like she got clotheslined.   I do not remember who the best man was at that wedding.  That was not a legacy option.  But that is also not that common.  … … here’s hoping.

Everyone knows what to expect from the bride and groom.  The only area for improvisation is the best man.  In order to fill your shoes, you need to forget the groom and focus on the niche you are going to carve in history. Do this right and there will be a child named after you. Do this wrong, and you are still the legacy. “Do you remember, and I am half hoping you don’t, the stripper who Dan hired? I told you I wanted bagpipes but that -”  See? Legacy. Forget the groom. The wedding is about you. Second. Pry open the wallet man. There is no room for frugality in your mission. Tip like you were afraid you were going to show up on Page Six. Buy everyone everything. And do not expect this to come back to you, it won’t. Three, you absolutely must not affiliate with the Maid Of Honor. But you must make it look like you are going to affiliate with the Maid Of Honor. Complicated, right? Here’s why you must exercise restraint. Because if you don’t, your legacy will not be the Genie Pants you wore doing You Can’t Touch This, that, um, never happened) it will always be that you affiliated with the Maid Of Honor. Remember. Legacy.


A few reasons for this picture. First, there’s your green OCBD folks. Second, Wedding Crashers is not only the funniest wedding movie ever, it is the funniest movie ever and third Bradley Cooper walks the line right down the middle between Ivy and Prep and is worth a look.

Of course nocturnal selection saves you time in the morning.  Further, it saves you that crushing disappointment when you visualize what you are going to wear and then:

  1. Wrinkled like a sandwich wrapper
  2. How did I not see that in the dryer
  3. At the cleaners
  4. Did I give that away?
  5. Come on man, that fit two weeks ago
  6. It looked like navy in the daylight

But no, I can’t pick out my clothes the night before.  Part of this is based on variables.  As I have already indicated, you cannot trust a weather prediction until you are standing in said weather yourself.   For me, there is the dairy factor.  If I have pizza the night before, I am 8 months pregnant the day after.  It’s a wild card.  And before you tell me, John, just don’t eat dairy, hey, YOU just don’t eat dairy.  Laundry is a variable.  Which is ridiculous if you think about it, I really only wear khakis and now in 2022 a suit.  There are now and again the random dress pants and this pair of corduroys (blue, with skiers, here – )

Decidedly prep, one of the few things I own that is. Let he/she/them who has not sinned cast the first.

… but for the most part, khakis.   Khakis are not like children, I have favorites in a rotation, and then a sub rotation.  Yesterday I pulled a pair out of sub rotation, and there was no way I could have known that the night before.  I walked the dog yesterday morning – ok, went out in the back yard with the dog – and it was ice.  So I needed Filson boots, which MUST be worn with a heavier pant.

These are they. One cannot wear these with khakis that are not of a certain heft. I have had these boots (the ones pictured are not my actual boots but they are the Filson Uplander Chukka) for two decades. Got them resoled once. Amazing boots.

That’s a little in the weeds, but you take my meaning.  There is no way to know any of that in advance.

Which is not to say there are not benefits to laying out one’s clothes the night before.  The time it affords you to experiment.  I have tried three different ties on in the morning and the first two never wind up back in the tie drawer.  At night, I can put stuff away.  In the morning the race against burning Dino chicken bites in the oven, the dog and the guinea pig, and the whole routine laid out in prior posts, that leaves no time for follow up.

Please, get dressed in front of a mirror.  I don’t know any successful people who dress who do not.

Finally, not many people I know leave the house having drank all of the coffee they are going to drink for the day.  I have done the research for you.  Behold a summary of each Ivy bookstore’s travel mugs and their manufacturer.

  1. Yale – Hydro Flask
  2. Harvard – didn’t go and can’t figure it out
  3. Columbia (roar) – Hydro Flask
  4. Dartmouth – indeterminate but
  5. Brown – travel mug is made of indeterminate brand
  6. Penn – Hydro Flask
  7. Princeton – indeterminate but it is Eugene Vacuum Insulated
  8. Cornell – indeterminate



8 Comments on "Good Morning Part 3 of 3"

  1. This site is really going off the rails. What does this piece to do Ivy League style? And the writing is so disjointed, choppy, ungrammatical and opaque that little of it makes sense. I’ve been a regular visitor here for about five years but the new proprietor is losing me.

  2. Boston Bream | January 19, 2022 at 11:03 pm |

    I beg to differ. The personal touch that the new proprietor has given to this site makes me look forward to each new posting. As for your question: “What does this piece to do Ivy League style?”, I would argue that “style” is more than clothing.

  3. I, for one, appreciate JB’s off-the-cuff writing style. It has a crackle and rhythm that scans well if you get it. Some don’t, I guess. So it goes.
    I still have a couple of pairs of less-favorite khakis, but my go-tos that I always love wearing are by Jack Donnelly. (It might be nearing time to turn my J. Crew chinos into painting and house project pants.)
    Agreed, Wedding Crashers is a great movie.

  4. Like.


  5. I like the energy and immediacy of John’s writing, but I will admit that I sometimes have trouble following the stream-of-consciousness style.

    You make a good point. I am going to work on that, seriously. Fun is fun, but if you can’t follow it… – JB

  6. Love the new direction generally. There’s only so much hand wringing over the decline of western civilization and Charlie Croker-esque philosophizing one can handle.

    This series has been alternately unhinged and impossible to follow, and sometimes both at once. Can’t win ’em all, though.

    Truth. – JB

  7. A Man in Full, a back as broad as a Jersey bull.. Tom Wolfe novel about Atlanta published in 1998… the Charles Croker reference… ? Just some speculation here..

  8. @dave, uhh, yeah.

    Just some speculation here, but you may need to read more, as the reference is obvious.

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