piratepantsAccording to a recent report in The Onion, there’s no bluffing when it comes to go-to-hell pants: You’ve either got the stones inside or you don’t.

There’s no dipping your toe in the pool, no test drive. You’re either a pirate-pant wearing swashbuckler or just a pretender.

“Hey, all I can say is I hope this guy is prepared to go all-in here,” a witness to a red-pants purchase told The Onion, “because once he buys these pants and puts them on there’s no going back.”

And pants are just the ante. Continues The Onion:

“Let me tell you, if this fucker’s not planning on going balls-to-the-wall with a white polo, navy blazer, and a pair of brown loafers with no socks, he better just put those pants back where found ’em, settle on some classic cords, and just move on already. This is the big leagues we’re talking about here.”

If you’re man enough to wear red pants — the kind of big hitter who can navigate the seven seas of multiple metaphors and still keep his poker face — Castaway Clothing has recently revamped its website. There’s a ton of new fun pants, and all sorts of social media options for you to share your trouser badassery.

Likewise, those who prefer to keep their preppy go-to-hellness hidden up their sleeve, so to speak, can opt for patch-madras boxer shorts. — CC