Brooks To Outfit Both Sides In Civil War II

As American democracy comes to a close and citizens prepare to act out the pantomime of “voting” with a choice between Communism on the one side and Fascism on the other, historic American menswear brand Brooks Brothers is ensuring that no matter what the outcome it will end up on the right side of history. 

“We are proud of the fact that Brooks Brothers has dressed 44 of the past 45 presidents,” said a spokesman for the brand that was founded in 1818, “and we look forward to dressing its future dictators in suits of fine Italian yarn with Mao-style collars.”

The spokesman also said that in the event of a second Civil War it would avoid the lapses of judgment during the previous one. “We don’t want to repeat history,” he said. “History does that on its own.”

In Civil War I, Brooks engaged in questionable business practices and also held ties to the losing side. For the sequel, the 200-year-old heritage brand is hedging all bets. “Analysts tell us that the likely winner in a conflict pitting Woke Establishment against a Patriotic Uprising is too tough to call,” said the spokesman, “so we’ve pledged to fulfill uniform requirements for both sides.” 

However, in the wake of bankruptcy the company has been forced to cut costs and will make one standardized uniform that is red on one side and blue on the other. The design team at Brooks dubbed it “Il Reverso Garmento.” 

Concern with the “right side of history,” a favorite term of the wrongheaded, became of paramount concern during the tumultuous summer of 2020. Brooks Brothers came under media scrutiny for being the maker of the pink polo shirt worn by the gun-toting St. Louis couple who defended their beautiful home from trespassing Bolsheviks. In the current cultural milieu, defending one’s home was deemed problematic by Town & Country magazine, a legacy periodical founded in 1846 which previously represented the interests of people who owned beautiful homes as opposed to those who’d rather burn them to the ground and urinate on the ashes.

Town & Country, incidentally, has also been inspired to evolve with these volatile times. Last week at an industry conference — virtual, but a conference nonetheless — the publication announced it would help lead the world into what has been called “The Great Reset” by changing its name from Town & Country to Mask & Phone. 

As for Brooks Brothers, to avoid any future tarnishing of its image by those who may be deemed enemies of the state, it will no longer place a logo on its polo shirts. Furthermore, instead of offering polos in 44 colors, a reference to its flagship location at the corner of Madison Avenue and 44th Street — which, after all, no longer exists — it will only offer polo shirts in one color. “Given the present political situation,” said the spokesman, “we expect brownshirts to be the trend for quite some time.”

Finally, Brooks has indicated that it has already committed to stock face masks through at least 2028. “But as we’ve closed all our manufacturing facilities,” said the spokesperson, “and as there aren’t any left even if we wanted to acquire one, we are using a mask supplier based in China.

“That means,” the spokesman added, in an attempt at levity during this stressful period in American history, “that the masks come pre-treated with coronavirus.”

The spokesman immediately realized his error, apologized for being offensive, and locked himself out of Twitter. 

31 Comments on "Brooks To Outfit Both Sides In Civil War II"

  1. This article seems especially tone deaf. Is it a poor attempt at satire gone horribly wrong? Can we just talk about OCBDs and traditional American style?

  2. I look forward to their made-to-measure tactical plate carrier program.

  3. An unfortunate choice of words describing our quadrennial selection of the head of state. There is sufficient tension and stress with the COVID pandemic about as well as the battle in the ether than add to it here. After all, this is about men’s style. By the way, the gingham shirt colors outside of the blazers look preposterous.

  4. The opposite extremes of our political spectrum are clearly in more disagreement than since the War Between the States. No question. I have never seen such a gap between the policies of two major party candidates. Personal freedom vs. government control. And depending on which guy you like you could interpret my comment as in support of either. I have strong opinions on who is best and am working hard to help one of the two, but will not tarnish this site on style by sharing them. Hail to the button-down! Hear hear for the sack suit. I vote for pennies and for full fit khakis with on-seam pockets. Soft shoulder blue blazers for all.

  5. Old School Tie | October 31, 2020 at 2:11 pm |

    Rest assured, I shall be thinking of you all on Tuesday and hoping for the best come Wednesday. Good luck, chaps, best (penny loafered) foot forward…

  6. Agree with DDolby, fuck off with this.

  7. Father Brown | October 31, 2020 at 3:12 pm |

    Re: “a choice between Communism on the one side and Fascism on the other”?

    Nay, my friend, a choice between Good on the one side and Evil on the other.

  8. Thank you for bringing some humor to the situation, it is appreciated. Don’t be discouraged by the naysayers.

  9. Robert Archambeau | October 31, 2020 at 3:34 pm |

    “This article seems especially tone deaf. Is it a poor attempt at satire gone horribly wrong? Can we just talk about OCBDs and traditional American style?”

    Thirded.

  10. Ugh. Unfortunate piece – no wonder it lacks a byline.

  11. DDolby, I’ll also echo that wish and take you up on it. Ordered three J.Press. shirts during the recent promotion. A blue and a pink ocbd as well as a blue and white Tattersall in broadcloth. They’re on the way, and I’m very interested to see how they compare to the Mercer shirts already hanging in the closet. Let’s call it an early birthday gift to myself.

    Best Regards,

    Heinz-Ulrich

  12. Bluehairandbuttplugsforkids | October 31, 2020 at 4:37 pm |

    Sassy, I actually liked it.

  13. Robert Staehling | October 31, 2020 at 5:01 pm |

    Could we just stick with talking clothes here? I don’t think anyone comes to Ivy-Style.com looking for political commentary (if you could even call this that). Maybe start another website for that sort of thing, but leave this place untainted.

  14. Elizabeth Bowers | October 31, 2020 at 5:10 pm |

    is this supposed to be satire? very unimpressed

  15. This is supposed to be some type of parody – right?

  16. CanadianTrad | October 31, 2020 at 5:45 pm |

    “This article seems especially tone deaf. Is it a poor attempt at satire gone horribly wrong? Can we just talk about OCBDs and traditional American style?”

    Fourth!

  17. I’ve always wondered what satire would look like written by an illiterate child. The author didn’t feel compelled to put their by-line on this piece?

  18. Hilarious! Just edgey enough to show the absurdity of the day.

  19. So substandard that the writer was ashamed to put their name to it. Tawdry stuff.

  20. This needed another rewrite or two before being discarded.

  21. Augusto Wolverine | October 31, 2020 at 8:18 pm |

    Good piece. Mao jackets can be very nicely done, it’s mostly a matter of cut and material. Hopefully we won’t get to find that out.

  22. I appreciate that of all comments, almost none of them took the bait and started ranting about why their side is right & the other side are traitors. There’s enough of that already. One of my favorite aspects of Ivy Style is that it can celebrated by coastal libs and conservatives alike.

  23. For all those asking if this is satire, please google the definition. To the others objecting to the subject, lighten up. You’re making this country unbearable. It figures in 2020 that the most reasonable assessment of our current political quandary is on ivy style.

    And don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.

  24. michael powell | November 1, 2020 at 3:39 am |

    I just bought a BB red gingham OCBD (Trad fit) two days ago. I already had some blue ginghams. No matter who wins, I’ll look good when they take me away.

  25. Haha, love it! And even managed not to be patisan. Keep up the good work.

    Would be nice if Brooks actually did remove their logo, though. I can’t find a good dark green polo anywhere else.

  26. Can’t we all just get along? Golden Fleece for everyone!

  27. Who wrote this cringeworthy attempt at satire?

  28. Your an idiot.

  29. Is Bluchermoc’s idiotic grammar a pathetic attempt at irony?

    It is incredible that American voters have a Presidential choice between an incompetent megalomaniac and a geriatric non-achiever. Personally, I would not vote for either of them or their parties. The alternatives are to abstain in protest or vote Libertarian, the only credible 3rd party.

  30. Gentlemen: this is your last chance to buy American made Brooks Brothers shirts. The factory shut down months ago and their inventory of American-made shirts is rapidly depleting.

  31. Some of the commenters above are wound up tighter than a church clock.

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