Today’s most tireless champions of political correctness are called “social justice warriors.” They are quick to spot hidden meanings of oppression and victimhood in everyday life.
We started thinking what it would be like for a modern-day SJW to be shot — hold on, let us finish the sentence — back in time to a college campus during the Ivy heyday. The guy wants to fit in with his classmates but finds the wardrobe problematic.
We think it would go something like this:
Club ties: By definition, inherently exclusionary of non-members.
Boxer shorts: Unabashedly pugilistic and promote violence.
Khakis: Heartless reminder of the military subjugation of the Indian subcontinent.
Camp moccasins: Cultural appropriation of Native American footwear.
Shetland sweaters: Bought and sold in flagrant disregard of global warming.
Seersucker: Uncomfortable plantation connotations.
Navy blazers: Reminders of military colonialism.
Nantucket Reds: Often referred to casually as “reds,” a slur against communists.
Dinner jacket: Offensive to the underfed.
Batik: Crass appropriation of the costume of indigenous peoples.
Bleeding madras: Simultaneously colonialist and triggering to hemophiliacs.
Cardigans: Named for the Earl of Cardigan, a white, cisgendered, heteronormative racist, sexist homo- and Islamophobe — or so one would assume.
Regimental neckties: Militarist, colonialist, and capable of being used as a weapon for strangulation or as an instrument of bondage.
Cordouroy: From the French for “cord of the king,” and therefore pro-Royalist and anti-revolution. The only thing worse is poplin, the cloth of the papist, who is against a woman’s right to choose.
Moleskin trousers: Even if PETA certifies that no moles were harmed in the making of them, they are still nicknamed “ratcatchers.” Rats have been scapegoated since the Black Plague and are routinely subject to false imprisonment, lab experimentation, and genocide.
Mother-of-pearl buttons: Belittling reminder that society encourages girls to aspire to motherhood and pearl-wearing housewifery rather than careers in science, technology, engineering and mathematics.
Paisley: Often referred to as “sperm cloth” and thus a crude reminder of toxic masculinity.
Tassel loafers: Tassels are often attached to the nipples of burlesque dancers, and therefore signal the objectification of women.
Turtleneck sweaters: “Roll neck” is preferred as this term is degrading to turtles, which do not wear sweaters.
Tortoiseshell glasses: Nor do tortoises wear glasses.
Alligator belts: Save the alligators!
Natural shouldered jackets: Offensive to those with prosthetic shoulders.
White bucks: Duh.
Happy PC Week! — CS & CC