My name is Nate. I’m a junior at Yale and I’m here to talk about Halloween. You may think Halloween is just a silly holiday for kids to get free candy and adults to dress up like zombies and hookers. But Halloween is actually a traumatic ordeal when many members of marginalized and gated communities do not feel safe.
So if you’re thinking of going to a campus Halloween party dressed as a WASP, I’m here to tell you THAT IS NOT OKAY.
Halloween costumes can either celebrate identity politics or be used to mock them — and mockery is a form of violence that is unacceptable on any campus. If you are caught wearing an inappropriate costume you will be reported to your school’s Bias Alert Team and subject to a Diversity & Sensitivity Audit, the results of which will appear on your transcript and follow you throughout your life.
You need to understand that WASPs are a minority group who suffer from dwindling population numbers due to lack of interest in procreation behaviors. We have also been subject to negative Hollywood stereotypes as far back as the 1980s, often unfairly portrayed as “rich kids” when in fact we’re merely well off.
So going to your school’s Halloween party wearing pants embroidered with sailboats, carrying a gin-and-tonic, and wearing a name tag that says “Chip” or “Muffy” while spouting off-color jokes about Catholics, Jews, Negroes, Homosexuals and Communists trivializes the 400 years of toil it took our ancestors to build a life for us in suburban Connecticut.
Ensuring that students wear costumes that make everyone around them feel safe has become a top priority for school administrators. That’s why many colleges have created the position of Chief Halloween Superintendent, which reports to the Vice Provost For Equity And Inclusion and the Chief Diversity Officer. With an average salary of $288,640, this man/woman/gender non-conforming person works throughout the academic year inspecting costumes, issuing approval certificates, and maintaining a database that tracks each student’s costume choices throughout their enrollment.
With an officially sanctioned Halloween costume, college students have the peace of mind to go to a party and engage in drunken sex with a stranger without fear of offending anyone.
For Halloween 2016, here are some of the trendier costumes you’ll be seeing at campus parties.
Day Care Student:
And finally, Robespierre:
But whatever you choose to wear, please don’t wear Lilly Pulitzer pants combined with a patch-madras sportcoat, multi-paneled fun shirt, needlepoint belt with outlines of Cape Cod, club tie signifying membership in some exclusive organization, and then, just to twist the dagger in a little bit more, go sockless in monogrammed velvet slippers.
Our culture is not a costume. — NATHANIEL ELLIOT WORTHINGTON III
This could have been believable due to the Ivy League schools being ultra PC now, but WASPs are not the minorities that these schools now stock up on. Either way, Happy Halloween!
This weekend (at a Halloween Party), I sparked up a conversation with a lady who recently took up a job working at [school name redacted] in one of their student affairs departments. She told me that the organizers (and the most vocal advocates) of “safe spaces” and social justice marches are indeed white male/female students. Ironically (in her opinion), they seem to seek out minorities and tokenize them in order to legitimize their cause.
The concentration of minorities at these schools is not an explanatory variable. The concentration of morally-enlightened WASPs, however, might be.
Chewco, those mislead individuals are suffering from “white guilt”.
Another comic triumph, CC. If only it weren’t so close to the truth.
Amazingly, Yale seems to still be somewhat permissive in this critical area of campus life.
Here at Faber College, the aforementioned snowflake outfits are strictly forbidden due to the exclusionary aesthetic of natural snowflakes, which of course only come in white. Such is the egregious nature of a snowflake ensemble, it is even banned in theatrical productions on campus. If a play calls for snowflakes to be portrayed on stage, the actor-persons must instead dress as sleet or frozen raindrops.
In a like manner, cupcake outfits are considered wholly unacceptable since the popularity of gourmet cupcake boutiques has elevated the price of this dessert beyond what many economically disadvantaged students can afford. At Faber, snack food-based outfits are restricted to only those depicting inexpensive penny candy.
James Kraus, Faber sure has changed since the Deltas left…
NATHANIEL ELLIOT WORTHINGTON III… from the “Are You A Preppie?” poster fame!
Isn’t “cupcake” a patriarchal sobriquet for non-cutie-disadvantaged persons of female-gender-presenting surface appearance? Like the little hottie above who (whom?) I’d eat right up, yum-yum?
And she pulls off the stripper shoes very well too.
Congratulations Ivy Style, this post was linked on Instapundit
Good luck on protect WASP culture from appropriation but realize it is a doomed cause. Go to any formal event these days and you’ll see African-descendants such as out president desecrating the traditional ceremonial garbs of the WASP people. Every time I see someone like Kayne West at an awards show wearing black tie it makes me die a little bit inside and I wonder how he’d feel if I wore a dashiki out to dinner.
I see what you did there.
@ mas: “Kayne West at an awards show wearing black tie it makes me die a little bit inside and I wonder how he’d feel if I wore a dashiki out to dinner.”
Wait, is this a joke?
@goldrushapple if his comment was a joke, very funny. If it was, as I think it is, a snide comment because “mas” took offense to this hilarious article, then I am disappointed.
Anyone who has read Thomas Sowell’s “White Liberals and Black Rednecks” understands the importance of all cultures appropriating WASP manners and values(especially in education). Unfortunately, the west is being overrun with africanized cracker culture. Soon enough the scourge of multiculturalism will overrun the world with norteno savagery and sharia law as well.
Here comes idiocracy.
I know you dream of growing up to be a real political journalist one day. A P.J. O’Rourke for the 21st century. Instead, you have to settle for writing glib “satires” pandering to alt-right cosplayers who swoon at any mention of “political correctness” (whatever that is).
I think the easy laughs have made you lazy. This “article” drips with the smugness of a teenage Objectivist. Maybe that’s why HuffPo hasn’t been calling you back.
Just trying to be helpful, bro.
I got a kick out of writing it. Turned out to be our second highest-traffic post in Ivy Style’s 1,400 post history.
Evidently there are a lot of alt-right cosplayers out there.
I bet you got a kick out of writing it. It has a very self-satisfied tone. Masturbatory, even.
Do what you have to do to pay the bills, but remember, popular pablum is still pablum. Gary Bartz sold a lot more records playing disco than he did playing avant-garde.
A writer should first please himself.
I’ve got some “avant-garde” projects in development on the side. Stay tuned.
And cheer up, Mr. Sad!
The Huffington Post, in my opinion, is not much more than entertainment for useful idiots.
Indeed, clearly the only stuff worth reading there was mine.
I am surprised that The Huffington Post hasn’t picked up this article and derided it for being “insensitive” already. What a moron that “Sad” character is to suggest that this piece be featured on their site. He must not realize that they hate this type of humor. And, Mr. Sacksuit, I wish I could be entertained by HuffPo but their existence horrifies me, luckily they have gone down in stature.
Even useful idiots should be exposed to your advice regarding dressing well. Of course, I was only referring to the political editorializing. The Huffington Post is a private company and can hold any views they wish, but they are disingenuous in claiming to be even remotely impartial.
Oh, I get it…it’s funny because we’re trivializing the concerns of people who are in the minority.
Even I got the joke and think it’s funny—and I constantly criticize WASP-bashing leftists.
Chritian we, your collective readership, understood your satire piece. It was cleverly written with just enough factual content to make it plausible and very entertaining. Well done!