My name is Nate. I’m a junior at Yale and I’m here to talk about Halloween. You may think Halloween is just a silly holiday for kids to get free candy and adults to dress up like zombies and hookers. But Halloween is actually a traumatic ordeal when many members of marginalized and gated communities do not feel safe.
So if you’re thinking of going to a campus Halloween party dressed as a WASP, I’m here to tell you THAT IS NOT OKAY.
Halloween costumes can either celebrate identity politics or be used to mock them — and mockery is a form of violence that is unacceptable on any campus. If you are caught wearing an inappropriate costume you will be reported to your school’s Bias Alert Team and subject to a Diversity & Sensitivity Audit, the results of which will appear on your transcript and follow you throughout your life.
You need to understand that WASPs are a minority group who suffer from dwindling population numbers due to lack of interest in procreation behaviors. We have also been subject to negative Hollywood stereotypes as far back as the 1980s, often unfairly portrayed as “rich kids” when in fact we’re merely well off.
So going to your school’s Halloween party wearing pants embroidered with sailboats, carrying a gin-and-tonic, and wearing a name tag that says “Chip” or “Muffy” while spouting off-color jokes about Catholics, Jews, Negroes, Homosexuals and Communists trivializes the 400 years of toil it took our ancestors to build a life for us in suburban Connecticut.
Ensuring that students wear costumes that make everyone around them feel safe has become a top priority for school administrators. That’s why many colleges have created the position of Chief Halloween Superintendent, which reports to the Vice Provost For Equity And Inclusion and the Chief Diversity Officer. With an average salary of $288,640, this man/woman/gender non-conforming person works throughout the academic year inspecting costumes, issuing approval certificates, and maintaining a database that tracks each student’s costume choices throughout their enrollment.
With an officially sanctioned Halloween costume, college students have the peace of mind to go to a party and engage in drunken sex with a stranger without fear of offending anyone.
For Halloween 2016, here are some of the trendier costumes you’ll be seeing at campus parties.
Day Care Student:
And finally, Robespierre:
But whatever you choose to wear, please don’t wear Lilly Pulitzer pants combined with a patch-madras sportcoat, multi-paneled fun shirt, needlepoint belt with outlines of Cape Cod, club tie signifying membership in some exclusive organization, and then, just to twist the dagger in a little bit more, go sockless in monogrammed velvet slippers.
Our culture is not a costume. — NATHANIEL ELLIOT WORTHINGTON III