Night Of The Ivy Zombies

Given the tense national climate due to the current presidential administration, The Intercollegiate Committee For Admissible Halloween Costumes has been especially strict this year. Few getups have been deemed “acceptable” to wear on campus properties, and so, according to reports, here are the costumes you’re most likely to see at American universities for Halloween 2017.

For students identifying with the social construct known as “female,” the top costume choice this year is Safe Space Wonder Woman. This character represents women’s ability to do anything men can do, except engage in certain uncomfortable scientific discussions. When properly attired in this costume, should Wonder Woman find herself in conversation with a male classmate who is a Biology major, she can twirl her magic lasso (sold separately) and be automatically transported to a Safe Space where she and other Wonder Women who’ve employed their lassos can eat candy and console themselves that gender is an illusion. A downloadable app that comes with the costume allows Safe Space Wonder Woman to report Biology majors to her school’s Bias Response Team.

For students identifying with the “male” construct, the most popular costume this year is The Total Totalitarian, which has shown immense appeal among frat-bro types who embody toxic masculinity, as well as more sensitive, beta-male students who hate toxic masculinity so much they want to kill anyone who displays it. The hybrid costume consists of a Trump supporter on the right side of the body and anti-Trump protestor on the left, and also comes with a red “Make America Great Again” cap to be worn on the head along with a black antifa mask for the face. Guys drawn to this costume are likely to be inclined more to trick than treat, so if you encounter one expect to be punched in the face regardless of your political beliefs.

Finally, for gender-noncomforming students who identify neither as male nor female, the most common costume choice, at least on campuses in the Northeast, involves wearing a blonde wig with men’s clothing and calling yourself “Muffy.”

But the real danger for Halloween 2017 comes not from people in inoffensive costumes committing offensive behavior, but from actual zombies.

Experts in paranormal activity are predicting a nationwide night of the living dead from the class of 1968, the first group of students to collectively abandon the Ivy League Look. They are believed to be under some kind of curse that will cause them to rise on Halloween Night during the 50th anniversary of the fall of the Ivy heyday in the autumn of 1967. The zombies will literally crawl out of the earth and haunt colleges from coast to coast by seeking to infect the few remaining trad dressers with a virus causing instant and irreversible sloppiness.

Students inclined to neat haircuts and penny loafers are being warned to be especially vigilant starting at sundown, and are being instructed on how to identify real zombies from mere classmates in costume.

“First off, you can identify these old-school zombies by the faint smell of barbershop aftershave left over from their sophomore year — before they stopped going to the barber — combined with the general stench of decayed flesh,” says Rob Van Helmsmug IV, an Ivy Style Facebook group member studying forensic pathology at Princeton whose family has fought the undead in the US and Eastern Europe for generations. “They also tend to be thin — skin and bones really — and, having just risen from their graves, their pants are likely to be crawling with actual critters.”

According to Van Helmsmug, “sixty-eighters,” (or “sixty-eaters,” as they’re called colloquially) developed heightened sensory abilities while rotting underground. They are able to identify preps and trads by smell (Bay Rum, Eau Sauvage, gin-and-tonic), sight (avoid pink oxford at all costs), and sound, including certain regional dialects, pronunciations, and in-group verbal signifiers.

If bitten by the undead, true preps will fall into a trance-like state, change into a hoodie, shorts and flip-flops, and begin walking around campus staring into their smart phones like every other zombie-like undergrad.

Although sixty-eaters are undead, they can still be “killed,” says Van Helmsmug. There are several ways to render them incapacitated and keep them from spreading bad clothing.

• The neck vertebrae of sixty-eaters is especially weak. Take the necktie of an all-male final club or other exclusive social group, wrap it around the zombie’s neck, and pull tight. The head should pop right off.
• Silver monogrammed engine-turned belt buckles can be re-engine-turned into silver bullets that kill on contact.
• Sixty-eaters hate tobacco pipes, which they abandoned senior year in favor of bongs. Make a fist around a briar pipe bowl and drive the stem into the zombie’s heart.
• Finally, the most effective way to kill zombies is by destroying their brains. For this, merely re-enroll them in university.

Stay preppy and have a safe Halloween.

Shout-out to Ivy Style’s Facebook group for “brain” storming. Image by MKG. Need graphic design? Email him here.