Millennial Fogey: A Halloween Nightmare In Verse

The Fogey’s Halloween Nightmare
(With apologies to WS Gilbert)
by
Daniel C. Greenwood

When you’re lying awake
With a fogey’s headache
And a glass of scotch whisky to comfort you,

If you’re like me you’ll scream
For it is Halloween,
With scanty and horrid costumes in full view.

My mind dwells on the fact
That on this night folks act
As if rules of behavior have vanished.

So it’s best to stay in
To avoid seeing skin
That you’d very much rather see banished.

I’ll picture instead,
As I lie on my bed,
Children laughing and asking for candy.

For I know that if I
Were to venture outside
I’d see frat-boy zombies getting handsy

With young ladies they’d met
At a party or fête
Or a bar with loud music a-thumping.

Drinking copious shots
Or inhaling some pot
(Which would send this young fogey cliff jumping).

So this Halloween, then,
I decide, if I can,
To stay safely ensconced in my armchair.

Unless I decide
That it’s cow’rdly to hide
And I venture to meet a friend somewhere.

But a costume, you see,
Is just no good for me.
Wearing vampire fangs
Is no longer my “thang.”
My fellow adults:
Flee the teen-obsessed cult!
Drink in moderation,
Silly costumes do shun,
And perhaps when October
Is thoroughly over

You won’t look back and think “What a drunk mess!”

For November is here
With its Thanksgiving cheer
On a turkey I’ll feast
With my family “down east”

To prepare for that hell known as Christmas!