As American democracy comes to a close and citizens prepare to act out the pantomime of “voting” with a choice between Communism on the one side and Fascism on the other, historic American menswear brand Brooks Brothers is ensuring that no matter what the outcome it will end up on the right side of history.
“We are proud of the fact that Brooks Brothers has dressed 44 of the past 45 presidents,” said a spokesman for the brand that was founded in 1818, “and we look forward to dressing its future dictators in suits of fine Italian yarn with Mao-style collars.”
The spokesman also said that in the event of a second Civil War it would avoid the lapses of judgment during the previous one. “We don’t want to repeat history,” he said. “History does that on its own.”
In Civil War I, Brooks engaged in questionable business practices and also held ties to the losing side. For the sequel, the 200-year-old heritage brand is hedging all bets. “Analysts tell us that the likely winner in a conflict pitting Woke Establishment against a Patriotic Uprising is too tough to call,” said the spokesman, “so we’ve pledged to fulfill uniform requirements for both sides.”
However, in the wake of bankruptcy the company has been forced to cut costs and will make one standardized uniform that is red on one side and blue on the other. The design team at Brooks dubbed it “Il Reverso Garmento.”
Concern with the “right side of history,” a favorite term of the wrongheaded, became of paramount concern during the tumultuous summer of 2020. Brooks Brothers came under media scrutiny for being the maker of the pink polo shirt worn by the gun-toting St. Louis couple who defended their beautiful home from trespassing Bolsheviks. In the current cultural milieu, defending one’s home was deemed problematic by Town & Country magazine, a legacy periodical founded in 1846 which previously represented the interests of people who owned beautiful homes as opposed to those who’d rather burn them to the ground and urinate on the ashes.
Town & Country, incidentally, has also been inspired to evolve with these volatile times. Last week at an industry conference — virtual, but a conference nonetheless — the publication announced it would help lead the world into what has been called “The Great Reset” by changing its name from Town & Country to Mask & Phone.
As for Brooks Brothers, to avoid any future tarnishing of its image by those who may be deemed enemies of the state, it will no longer place a logo on its polo shirts. Furthermore, instead of offering polos in 44 colors, a reference to its flagship location at the corner of Madison Avenue and 44th Street — which, after all, no longer exists — it will only offer polo shirts in one color. “Given the present political situation,” said the spokesman, “we expect brownshirts to be the trend for quite some time.”
Finally, Brooks has indicated that it has already committed to stock face masks through at least 2028. “But as we’ve closed all our manufacturing facilities,” said the spokesperson, “and as there aren’t any left even if we wanted to acquire one, we are using a mask supplier based in China.
“That means,” the spokesman added, in an attempt at levity during this stressful period in American history, “that the masks come pre-treated with coronavirus.”
The spokesman immediately realized his error, apologized for being offensive, and locked himself out of Twitter.